22

I had my first heartbreak when I was 22. 

the feeling was indescribable. it was painful, insurmountable and torturous. i don't think I can just forget about it. 

A terrible experience. 

But also a teacher. 

If I hadn't gone through that, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Romantic relationship taught me so much it completely change the way I view life. 

In that past life I remember perfectly walking around the egg shell every single second of my breath. Everyday I resented my other significant half for putting me into a hell I've never asked for. 

My idea of an ideal romantic relationship was cliche. A place where my lover have the obligation to provide all my needs regardless of his wellbeing. A person that come into my life to "complete" me and fill the void that have been there in my heart since. 

My expectation was too high I thought he should be perfect to save me from my internal pain and unresolved trauma. 

My co-dependency was too high I lost grip of faith on myself

I completely change into someone I wasn't. 

I started projecting my wounding and pain onto him. 

This activates my fight or flight. I was in hypervigilance mode. 

"I need to defend and fight. I need to keep this love going. I need to make him love me back"

I gaslighted him. say hurtful words, do hurtful things. make myself like a victim. I've never been this reactive in my life. 

Things escalated quickly. 

My heart was broken until it manifested physically. I had chest pain at the thought of him, my head spinning around and I will run to an isolated room/ toilet to cry. My mood was super labile people around me  had no idea  I was suffering cause my personality around them did not reflected my experience at all. it just that every night I'll hide in my car changing completely into that  heartbroken girl to cry with all my might every night for a month. 

I slept with my eyes swollen , my body dehydrated from all that tears. 

that experience was shattering me. piece by piece. 

One of the turning point in my personal life. A moment that had me looked back at myself, questioning all these behaviour that came up while all I wanted was to be loved by a man. 

“I live in fear. A fear that one day he might leave me. This moment exactly reenacts my old wounding; that I had within a conflicted relationship with my parent figures. There were moments where my parents didn’t meet my needs. Moments where I feel not seen. Times when I feel I weren’t valued, that my worth is not enough. All these thing tell myself a story that my parent figure didn’t love me. I wasn’t worth of their love. And if I wanted to be loved/ seen, I need to suppress my needs. I need to abandon my true self, my value - in order to be seen/ loved. My inner child is scared, she needs protection, so she was defensive of herself. She doesn’t know how to handle this. No one taught her. No one modeled her a regulated nervous system behaviour. Everything was a chaos for her back then. a life pattern.”

This conversation she had with herself was a breakthrough. A new kind of awareness. An awakening.

She aware that we can’t change people. No human wants to be the villain. Everyone did their best in their level of awareness.

So did the person that I had relationship with during my early life. My parent figure.

I learnt that my parents are humans with unresolved trauma too. They have pain being projected onto them from their ancestors without them realize. This could have happened to them. I am aware in my own level of awareness.  

My parents love me in their best level of awareness.

Nothing more painful that an unresolved wounding that left untreated when I was still a child.

And that wounding makes you repeat a pattern - you repeat the vicious cycle over and over again.

The first step to healing is awareness.

Awareness is painful. You woke up to these tangled miseries and as you dig through there’s this deep, bleeding wound that you never treat but just left it buried underneath your skin. Because you wanted to live, so you bury them in your unconscious thinking.

You cope. And now you live.

This is my journey of healing.

Today, I am 25. I am so proud and thankful for this relationship that I had.

I love him. And I still do. He is the best person that have ever entered my life. Today I am blessed enough that we are still together. I am aware and determine to continue to do the work to be my best and true self. 

Relationships are a connection that hold space mutually for each other to be vulnerable, grow and evolve. 

My triggers are teachers. I will continue doing this work.