Pieces

[19092018 , 1654]

*just back from class : basic physical examination of a surgical patient*

Hiii . How are you doing ? its been a looong time since the last time im writing casually here .

Well , something made me wanna write something here .

Sigh .

Should I ? idk . its life anyway add .

But … to put all this scattering thoughts into words , I literally feel so down right now ? as if im feeling like hm idk maybe I kinda tired and im hating myself for feeling so sleepy and drowsy today .

How do you guys cope up with your life ? tell me . I wanna learn from ya too .

While taking a sip or two of my cofffee , (its because I want to make myself awake for this evening , its because I slept a lot yesterday ?)

Btw , just now a friend of mine stating out her thought , saying that she was scared to start our medicine posting this Monday . and I was like , “ should I feel worry too ? “ idk . she also added that her roomate was staying up awake studying like theres no other things else to do lmao but thats the way she described her roomate and im feeling so- um idk again im questioning myself “ should I feel worry too ?”

I ve been thinking all these while , that as a medical student should I devoted all , literally all my whole life into medicine , and give up on everything else ? including writing like this , on my blog ? I feel so davastated right now . idk how  , or idk that if im being the right path right now . but . literally , honestly , I don’t want to give up on my life yet . I want to live a life painted with colours and rainbows . I don’t want my life to be in black and white again . I don’t want my life to be so dull and stress and boring again .

Can someone teach me how ? am I being on the right track now ?

I mean , would it be okay if I just stay like this in the future ? would it be okay ? am I being able to get through it ? am I going to fail this medical study ?

Idk . my mind is so scattered all around . im shattering into broken pieces .

I admit , that I am not that smart , nor having a good excellent memory and superb ability to understand things just at one glance . I admit that . but still , do I have to give up on everything ? am I wrong being like this now ?

When I was 13 , my biggest sacrification ever that I made was to give up attending piano class . its because I have to pursue my study at a boarding school , thus therss no time for me to go back home daily and learning the piano anymore .

Ah shit . why the hell these tears come down . my roomate gonna be back from class soon . stop that tears adlina .

But honestly , if I talk more about this , the more my face will heat up , this flaring sensation comes along with all this foggy thoughts of mine .

Okay . im not going to cry . but crying helps in healing . why do I have to contain these toxic feeling .

How I wish I want to run away now .

Okay , pull yourself together add .

As a closure , I am still with my own principle . I am still going to cherish all these other side of me thaat I had abandoned long time ago .

To be honest , exploring all sides all personalities and characters inside me truly make me feel alive . I swear . this is where I feel that I love my being self a lot . more than I show itself .

If you are reading these , maybe you can send me some love too ? that would be so warm and kind hearted of you .

Im loving all these imperfect sides of me . its honestly so beautiful . ive been longing to own a soul that is young and beautiful , and im glad that I found now .

Okay but this feels so clingy , but I feel like in need of a warm shoulder for me to weep on . but its okay . crying itself is therapeutic

But im not done yet letting all toxic emotions out . my roomate gonna be back soon so I have to stay calm .

But again , im still going to stand with my principle . im going to cherish all sides of me . they re honestly imperfect and beautiful . how I wanted to show everyone that inside them lies a beautiful soul , as precious as a gold . and this souls needs to be protect , loved , with warmth and joy ,

Being a medical student wont stop me from exploring my little self . eventhough I am going to start my clinical years with medicine posting (the most hellest scariest hardest department for medical students) , I am going to stay like this . let it be that everybody is busy running and competiting . I am here , and will just stay here , walking at my own pace , believing , that I can do this , that I am going to be a good medical student too , but in my own may . the walks may full of woes and agonies , but nevertheless , I will try my best , to keep staying alive , with all these other non dominant side of me , walking along side by side with me . may all of these sides and personalities , will grow together along with me , as I am also aging .

I love you , I love me . my current me . would you please stay like this forever ? would you please ? you helped me a lot through healing . you made me a me . a beautiful me .

Palpitations , tremors , again .

Jalga <3